Friday, June 24, 2011

Finding my self by baring my insecurities

I guess my childhood was an anomaly. I was raised by single father who was battling alcoholism, a drug addiction, and over whelmed by raising me and my twin sister. The idea that a mother would walk out on her daughters is shocking enough to the cultural opinions, but even more devastating to two 4 year old girls wondering what they did to push their own mother away. Even at a very young age I owned full responsibility for being a twin and causing twice as much care and attention then a single child did. It was my fault, and I knew it.

Our mother was a figment of what we saw in movies and cartoons. We knew nothing about her, but imagine what a great mother she would of been. We knew what maternal instincts where was by watching Step By Step, Cosby, and Family Matters. Full House is still dear to me. I only wished my mother had died like the Tanners, then know she chose to leave.

Our father tried to teach us to be responsible among other things, but he had no clue as to what it is to be a woman, about the nature of femininity and how to help his daughters learn how to express it. I had no clue what a period was until I had my first one. Bras where not bought until a aunt took pity on us and bought some beyond the point of us needing them. Our hair was kept short for the simplicity of a male not knowing how to place a pony tail. Even at 6 years old I knew you where not to wear tennis shoes with skirts, but I had no way of articulating this to my father. The first day of Kindergarten I tried to hide my feet the entire day. I never wore my favorite jean skirt with purple lace trim again.

At 27, I am still breaking bad habits from growing up in a fathers world. My fingernails are short, and flat from years of biting them to the quick. My mouth is full of large fillings from never being checked after brushing my teeth. I am insecure about picking out a outfit and the majority of the time I never carry a purse. I learned to do my hair and make up form the internet along with everything else. Getting ready for my first high school dance my boyfriends mom realized I had no nylons on and made a quick dash to the super market for me. I could embarrassed myself even more about learning everything on my own, but I think I made my point.

For what ever reason or excuse my mother wants to use, her apology is no longer accepted. I have tried to work on our relationship, and repair the bond that was never built. My hate and anger towards this woman will not let me forgive her for the damage she has cause.

My husband does not understand why I insist he knows how to put a pony tail in our 8 year old's hair. My daughter thinks I am picking on her when I ask her to put something nicer on. My biggest anxiety is to die while my daughter is still young. I do not fear she wouldn't remember me, I worried more she will have the same struggles I continue with. With every passing birthday I feel like we are closer to being in the clear.

In my own embarrassing way I am jealous of my daughter, that she has a mother to do her hair before school, make sure her clothes match, volunteer in her class room, pack a healthy lunch, take her to play dates and birthday parties, show up for mother's day events, snuggle during movies, tuck her in at bed time, and have someone who loves her unconditionally.

In some way I am living vicariously threw my daughter and learning what kind of mother I always wanted, by being the mother I deserved.

When I started this entry, I only wanted to show off my daughters hair. We have been growing out her hair for the last year. Recently I have taught myself how to french braid, again, it was the internet that thought me. After a week, I felt I finally mastered this skill! My heart skipped a beat, when she wanted to go to the neighbors and show it off.


  1. This made me cry when I read it. I can't imagine how you felt. I went through something similar when I was a child but it was different.

    The thing that got me the most is that I have a son that I don't have custody of. I am fighting to get him back right now, but I am living with the fact that I chose to let someone else care for him when he was younger because I was not in a place in my life that was good enough for my child. He deserved better and to have someone who was able to give him things I could not.

    My mother has custody of him. I signed over custody when he was a little over a year old. The first year of his life he lived with me and my ex husband, his father. I took great care of him but I was battling severe post partum depression which led to a drinking problem, that only got worse when me exhusband and I split up and I met my ex boyfriend who was very abusive.

    He knows who I am. I see him very often. He knows me as mommy and my mother as Granna.. He loves me dearly and tells me all the time. I love him too so much.

    He is now almost 5 years old (in October). I am finally in a stable place. I kicked my alcohol problem, got help for the post partum and had my daughter. I live a good life. Free of smoke, drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.

    I'm fighting to get him back because I believe the best place for him and the best way for him to grow up is in a normal home with his mother and sister. I wont ever regret what I did for him. As I said I love my son dearly and he deserved the best, and at the time I could not give it to him. I could not have been a good mother to him in those couple of years and I think I made the best decision for him. He has the intelligence of an 8 or 9 year old, he is very happy, very secure, and loves life. If I had drug him through all of my life issues he wouldn't be the person he is today.

    I guess I just fear that he could never understand this. I know he can't now because he is a child and even if he did understand when he gets older, it will still be at the back of his mind that I did not love him or he was not good enough, which in this case was exactly the opposite. I fear that he will grow to hate me and never forgive me like you and your mothers situation.

    I hope you can overcome the way she made you feel. I really really do. It saddens me but you are absolutely right. You are now being the mother that you deserved to have and that is the best gift a mother could give her child. I have no doubt that your relationship with your daughter will eventually help you heal from the hurt of the lacking relationship you had with your mother.

    I wish you the best.


  2. Thank you for taking the time to read my book. I guess this might of been the first chapter.

    I could not imagine the pain of walking away from a child. I am glad you had the support of your family, and have been able to maintain a relationship with your son. If you are honest with him, he will forgive you. My mother only blames everyone else for her walking out on all of her kids.

    Thank you again for the support, and good luck with your journey! It seems like you are in a much better place and on track to getting your child back!

  3. Dustie, you are an amazing mother. You truly are. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have you in their lives. I am sorry about what happened to you growing up. What your mother did is unforgivable. I also fear my children growing up without me and I often cry because of the thought. Don't ever second guess yourself as a parent, you are doing a phenomenal job and your kids know how much you love them.